To Grandmother's house we go...
NOT!
I am quickly beginning to NOT LIKE snow. About last Tuesday the weather guessers predicted the Apocalypse to arrive that night. It did not, and there we were all playing the fool staying home from work. My only consolation was that I wasn't as foolish as the poor reporter standing on Sylvan hill with absolutely nothing to talk about. So by Friday the guessers had missed it but predicted a 2ND APOCALYPSE - all in one week. Well, they got that one right so now they were 1 for 2.
So by this Tuesday the 23rd, we were watching the weather pretty closely because we were getting set to make our Christmas pilgrimage to my folks' house in Hot Town. In 42 years I have missed Christmas with my folks 3 times. Each time I was overseas, the price of admission for being a Top Gun I suppose. So at this point we were going back and forth whether to make the trip or not. By yesterday the 24th, the weather guessers were saying this: "The Thaw is On". To make matters even more "solid" I was getting rave reports from my brother and Carolicious that "Hey, Highway 30 is no problem. A few flakes, powder, easy to drive through, a few slippery spots, it's sunny and 70, they're handing out backstage passes at the door, free drinks!" So, we wake up on the 25th, have our own Christmas, check the weather and sure enough it looks to be thawing. We packed the SoccerMILF van and headed to Hot Town.
I chained the van up the night before just to get out of the neighborhood, but once on the main roads chains were not needed. Definitely thawing, definitely a good sign. I removed the chains before getting on the highway. By the time we got to Longview we called in to Hot Town Ground Control to let M&D know we were en route. Mom reported, "It's snowing like hell." THAT should've been my first clue. So we crossed the Longview bridge. Up to this point the weather was dry with slush on the roads, easy going if one was careful.
Then we started up that long grade coming out of Longview on Highway 30. It started snowing HARD. Not powder snow, but the wet shit that kills. So I figured, "hey we're halfway there, let's try to go for it. We've got chains and we'll turn around if we need to. Besides, there's FREE DRINKS in Clatskanie." Well, by the time we hit Clatskanie it was snowing real hard, and the road was packing down and getting slickery. The slip warning dashboard light was coming on now and again, and the 4x4 ASSHOLES were out in full-force, proving yet again again that "the bigger the rig, the smaller the tackle."
Now I'm a pretty good snow driver. I can keep the Soccer van at a steady 40 mph over treacherous pavement, I don't slow down on upgrades, and brake sensibly on downgrades - I do it right... so don't blame me that your winky is dinky, dude! Blame your father (editor's note: I drive a Honda Civic - LOW to the ground, brothers). Get the F off my bumper, you and your KC HiLites!
We hit Clatskanie and got a call from Hot Town Ground Control. Pops reported, "We have powder snow - easy to drive in." Shit brother, I don't know what powder you're snortin', there ain't no powder in these hills. By this time I was seriously beginning to have second thoughts about the pilgrimage, things were getting real dicey for the SoccerMILF van. We figured at that point we're 26 miles from our destination, we've come a good 60 miles in foul weather with no issues (besides stopping for a pee and a snack) and if we turn around we'll have to go back through the same shit we just got through.
Divine Providence intervened at Wauna. The Oregon State Police had a road block set up, and they were closing the road at Bradley Hill. I was bummed, a little upset, but deep down knew that this was probably God's way of keeping us alive and well. No ill-will towards the boys in blue. We turned around to go through the same shit we just came through. Now, I was really starting to worry since I was afraid I might need one of these dickless 4WD assholes to pull me out of a ditch soon, the same beanie-weenie wonders that I was cursing on the inbound trip.
Natch, the roads were worse the 2nd time through. But, we made it over the Rainier hill and breathed a sigh of easy relief when we made it to the bottom of the hill and over the bridge. I was bumming about missing Christmas with allofthefolksathome, but grateful that the van was intact and I didn't have to get pulled out of a fix.
Our first brush with failure occurred in Woodland. We had to stop to pee (well, Debbie did anyway) and the boys were naturally hungry. So, we hit a quickie mart which still had significant snow in the parking lot. When we finished our business we had to go out the back way because a truck was blocking the entrance. This put us onto an unplowed, virgin patch of neighborhood street snow - the deadly kind. After much fishtailing, wheel-spinning, all out two-wheelin' rut riding we popped out the back side and back onto the main road. Ego intact, but wallet lighter by 10 bucks spent to "feed" the boys on quickie mart popcorn and Cokes.
All went smoothly until we get to the bottom of our driveway where there was packed snow. I gun the motor, and... get STUCK!!! In my own freaking driveway of all places. After 120 miles of driving, with over half in the blinding snow without incident, and I get stuck at the bottom of my driveway? No Shit, I had to dig myself a path to the garage. Don't believe me? See for yourself:
So, we're back at home safe and sound. Then, I read This Headline. No shit, Sherlock. And by the way, it's STILL FREAKING SNOWING!!!
But to end on an upbeat note. We're spending our Christmas day at home, just the 4 of us, and we're having a nice quiet day with the boys playing with all their many many toys. In all, a GOOD day, and the roundabout trip is fast becoming a passing funny memory. I miss my folks alot, and Christmas is never the same when I'm not there. But, WE'LL BE BAAAACK!!!
On a final note, my sister had her baby daughter two days ago on the 23rd of December! Go check it out Baby Jenna. Really, Christmas involves new beginnings as represented by the birth of our Lord. How better to celebrate Christmas than with new life. Congratulations Sis - No FREE DRINKS for you!
